Pro tip: if you send RPS an email of your game with the hook “I know you like goofy stuff…” then, yes, there’s a decent chance I’ll take the bait, mirth-parched wanderer in the endless dessert left by a goofphagic modernity as I am. Titanic Re-Christened: Maiden Vengeance is almost unplayable in my browser – it can’t seem to decide whether I’m clicking on the game on the itch.io page itself – but I’m writing about it anyway because it made my morning coffee a couple of mild chuckles better than it would have been otherwise.
You play a strapped, bipedal Titanic out to get revenge on the icebergs that sunk it, with a large selection of guns, including a sniper rifle named ‘Molly’s Greetings’ and an Uzi named ‘The White Star Special’. When you kill sunglass-wearing iceberg minions, the Titanic will spout one-liners like “I’m back and full of steam” and “your assault on me was glacially motivated”. It is awful and I believe the world is a better place for its existence.
Here’s the lore:
The Titanic has sat motionless on the Atlantic Ocean floor for over 100 years…until now.
A cursed wine bottle dropped in the ocean by a ship passing overhead sinks to the depths and smashes open against the skeletal hull of the ghost ship, re-christening it, and bringing it back to life. Gaining sentience for the first time, the Titanic realizes it has an insatiable thirst for one thing: revenge.
Guide the unsinkable ship through the iceberg stronghold and gather the four smokestacks in order to summon your old nemesis, the iceberg that put you 12,500 feet deep in the freezing ocean in April 1912.
You can, ostensibly, play it for free in your browser via itch.io here. Me? I’ve been doing this so long I no longer have to play games to know if they’re good or not. This one isn’t, by the way, but it is art. Actually, it’s not really that either. But it is stupid. And there is no better encapsulation of man’s eternal hubris than that.
